Gatlinburg on Moonshine.

My best friend Butch and his family invited me to come stay with them in their Chalet outside of Gatlinburg, TN this week and I took them up on it.  As I got out of my car on arrival Tuesday afternoon, I was nearly mauled by a mama black bear and a pack of rabid bear cubs.  They were standing in the drive-way of a neighboring chalet and charged me with homicidal abandon when I opened my car door.  I jumped back in, slammed and locked the door, and threw a bag of Honey-Baked Cashews out of my sunroof and into the woods. The gluttonous mama bear abandoned her juveniles and ran off after the nuts. Given the opening,  I stepped out with my 38 to ice the little nuisances but it jammed, preventing a certain blood bath.  I froze in terror as they circled and moved in for the kill.  At the last moment,  several of my gracious hosts and their dogs charged out of the chalet and chased the vicious carnivores off in shame and horror.

There were five canines and nine humans already assembled at the chalet before I made my arrival.  After the sickening rebound from the intense adrenaline rush of the bear attack hit us, we decided to stay in for the evening.  We sent out for Local Organic and Sustainable Black Bear barbeque and Ole Smoky Moonshine and feasted mountain warrior style until we collapsed on the stairway, porch, and on and under the kitchen table, amongst several other locations sprinkled in and around the chalet and adjoining grounds..  The wildest dog, Maggie, got into the Black Bear BBQ, caught a scent of the marauders, and, overcome with blood lust,  leaped off the back patio in the midst of the celebration.  The patio was at least 25 feet off  the ground but she hit the ground running and we heard her frantic barking in the distance throughout the evening.

On Wednesday morning we called the Game and Fish Commission on the bears and headed up the mountain to commune with nature at the Chimney's Picnic Area.  We needed two picnic tables but we couldn't find two together in the whole picnic area.  We found one with a fairly vulnerable looking bunch on the adjacent table and then we broke out the shine and got busy.  Thirty minutes later there was no sign of the interlopers so we spread out like royalty. We had Brazilian Steak, Paraguayan Corn on the Cob, and Giant Irish Potatoes smothered in Lamb Butter with  plenty of Organic and Sustainable Sea Salt to go around.  It was perfect.  Around nightfall, several car loads of Park Rangers (Not that many, the poor guys are driving Prius') descended on us and they suggested we leave.  We were out of hooch anyway so we saddled up the Palomino and headed into town.

Ole Smoky Moonshine opened sometime between 2007, when Zoe and I last visited the strip in Gatlinburg, and last Tuesday when they loaded up on Clear in anticipation of my visit.  The moonshine is distilled in an open area where you can see the vats and stills through genuine screens.  There are huge padlocks on the entrance doors and snipers overhead.  They have flavors such as peach, cherry, and apple and then the two I like, the two that will get right on down there and get the job done - Clear and Smoky.  They have a tasting booth but I skipped that part and went right for the jars. I have a hazy memory of riding up the ski-slope beside a giant, lip-stick-smeared, stuffed black bear.  Toward the end, I remember seeing my and Butch's reflection in the plate glass window of Ripley's Believe or Not as we walked by.  I had on full Indian regalia and he was wearing nothing but motorcycle chaps and a coon-skin hat.  The women had abandoned us long before and the young adults had split off for the Hard Rock Cafe  "when we got that gleam in our eyes."  I came to before sunrise on a bench outside the Aquarium with a recently diceased Sting-Ray on my lap.  Butch was leaned up against me, wearing a pair of binoculars and holding a map of the Appalachian Trail.  We rode the Trolley to the base of the Chalet Road, hiked up and they let us in.

I intended to head back early Thursday morning but thought better of it.  We stayed in bed until noon and then spent most of the afternoon in the hot tub on the back porch, drinking straight from a water hose.  We swore off Moonshine forever and mapped out our workout and nutrition plans for the immediate future. We were sufficiently rehydrated by the time of the debate but they still weren't saying much to us in the living room so me and Butch sat out on the porch and watched Newt Gingrich dominate on my laptop until the Bat showed up and things started getting interesting again.  That's a story in itself and is best saved for later.